“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace.”
—Oscar Wilde, The Canterville Ghost
The Best And Worst Things To Say To Someone In Grief
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
“Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.”
?Ernest Hemingway
“End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.”
—J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
—Mark Twain
“Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better.” – Unknown
“Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is just a passing shadow of a cloud.”
—Yann Martel, Life of Pi
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.
Steve Jobs
To fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise, without being wise: for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know? – Socrates
“Anyone desperate enough for suicide should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.” – Richard Bach
Immortality
Immortality is only achieved through death. It is the act of being remembered; the mark by which you leave on history. Immortality is not achieved by being particularly good or bad during your life here on earth. Hitler and Mother Teresa are prime examples of both extremes. The question of immortality is… How do you want to be remembered?
Death -is part of our human existence and can come from either massive trauma to or deterioration of our bodies. We are here in our human existence for such a short time in relationship to the earth and time. Living a long life is a wonderful goal yet we are still only a fraction of the whole human race that came before us and will continue on after we die. Living our lives is what we are here to do, to find a connection between being of mother earth and father sky. Staying grounded to find the connection with the source of from which we came and are to return, is where we are at in our human condition. When we die we are removed from that condition to be one with everyone and everything. We leave behind a body that no longer serves our true selves and the memories of what we were and the things we did. Those live on and become part of the collective conscience of the whole world, along with the thoughts and prayers (energy) we released and fed off while we were alive. The people we leave behind are left to grieve and pick up the pieces of their lives and to live. The great fact is that we all die, no different than the many before us and those who will join us in their time, and all living on in the memories of us, the way we were and the things we did, shaping the world to what it is at this moment. Knowing that we can choose the kind of energy we create while we are living, based on the choices we make, we are less likely to negatively affect the collective energy we all share in the human condition and as part of the “ultimate energy that is” when we die. When we experience the death of someone it is meant to serve as a wakening of our spirit to the truth of our existence as humans, by facing our own mortality. We look for comfort in the things that were good about the deceased, try to let negative feelings go, and come to acceptance with the loss in the process of grieving that follows someone’s death. Our reflection on the things we do, have done and the way we would like to be remembered, plays a role in the grieving process and helps us live our life as we know we should. We tend to make changes to our lives based on this reflection and those changes are what is needed for us to live in peace. As we experience the different stages of grief at different times in our lives after someone dies we are reminded of that person, who they were and what their presence in our lives meant to us. They continue to live on and are with us for all time in those thoughts and the energy that they have become one with surrounding us and directing us in our times of need. We try to live without them but we are never really without them or their direction of how we can get the most out of our human existence. We need to believe that ‘People die so that we can live.”
We all come from and return to the energy of “All That Is”
When somebody dies; We are left to grieve and pick up the pieces of our own lives, and live.
R.I.P
“Rest in peace” (Latin: Requiescat in pace) is a short epitaph or idiomatic expression wishing eternal rest and peace to someone who has died. The expression typically appears on headstones, often abbreviated as “RIP”.
The phrase in English was not found on tombstones before the eighth century. It became common on the tombs of Catholics in the 18th century, for whom it was a prayerful request that their soul should find peace in the afterlife. When the phrase became conventional, the absence of a reference to the soul led people to suppose that it was the physical body that was enjoined to lie peacefully in the grave. This is associated with the Catholic doctrine of the particular judgment; that is, that the soul is parted from the body upon death, but that the soul and body will be reunited on Judgment Day. Read more at Wikipedia
Understanding loss of any kind can lead to grieving over that loss…
Lost is lost only until it is found.
What is it and how do you find it?
STAGES OF GRIEF
The stages of grief and the act of grieving comes in stages and have been identified in an order that we go through. We will in one way or another experience them all at different times, in not just the immediate time following the loss but at different times of the future when we think about the loss and remind ourselves of the acceptance we have achieved. Though in an order that makes sense we may experience them at any time following a loss, we are never immune or completely free from any one stage, even when we have worked on them to relieve ourselves of them.
Denial – The reaction of denial usually comes to us first. Disbelief in the loss happens in this stage and we tend believe there is some kind of mistake or want more information to release the denial. We may cling to a false hope that it isn’t true or the information is wrong or not true. Some go as far as to create an alternate possible experience that they are in.
Anger – This is the most recognized of all the stages of grief in that we are looking for someone or something to blame for our loss. It comes to us easy as frustration in the lack of answers that are immediately acceptable and is necessary to move us toward acceptance. We are reminded of our loss and the anger comes to us at different times when we are reminded of the loss. Dealing with the anger and the questions that are brought to mind; Why? How? and looking for answers that are self-centered in how we look at how the loss affects us. This is healthy in our healing and care should be taken not to remain in it for too long. Understand we will be angry and will have anger. It will pass only to come back and remind us of our loss at different times but will tend to be less severe as time passes. Feel what you need to feel.
Bargaining – Looking for ways to avoid grief and to release the other stages we experience, we look for ways to extend our relationship to our loss. Many are out of reach and we know they may not be possible, but it doesn’t hurt to come up with ideas; “I would do anything to have __ Back.” , ” I’ll be better if this were different.” or “I would trade places, if I could.” We may even come up with a resolve to change our lives and do things different in our lives. Bargaining is our way of facing the loss with other options that relieve us from the pain we feel.
Depression – It is normal to feel sad about or for our loss. We need to take this time to face our own mortality and to begin to heal and find acceptance. Understanding the best ways to avoid silent, sullen and mournful morbid reflection is to associate with others that are dealing with the same or same kind of loss. Sharing stories of what we lost helps us, with a feeling of unity in our loss and helpfulness to others to overcome their loss or pain. Ultimately we have to live and continue to try to resume as much of a normal life as possible, the pain will pass and we will be sad when we are sad.
Acceptance – In this final stage we gain a sense of peace that this is how it is and we will be okay. We may begin preparations to face the things we need to face in the wake of our discovery of what we have found in the experiences of the other states of grief. This happens when we begin to balance our emotions and feelings as we and embrace and prepare for the future of life with things the way they are.
Know that these stages are in an order that is by no means the order of how we will experience the things we go through. We are all different and the things that come up in our lives may remind us or rekindle any stage at any time. Be who you are and feel what you feel, know that it will all be okay.
Nobody really leaves until they taught us what they were here to teach us.
Time is the answer to finding acceptance in our loss, take the time and find peace in your own time.
RELIGIOUS VIEWS ON DEATH
The role of religion in the lives of people is to direct our actions to what is right and to comfort us in our times of confusion and need. Listed are some of the views of different religions on death and what is common in the truth (as I see it).
Agnostic/Atheist
Centeral to the Agnostic/Atheist view that there is no God or Supreme Deity that oversee all, most are quick to say that you have but one life and when it is over it is over, you will never see the deceased again, they do not exist as a single spirit living beside God and there is nothing beyond this existence. Most are quick to point out that they accept others right to choose a religion to comfort them in their time of grief, but caution not to place too much power in a God that may not exist. There is truth that God as a single Deity or white haired guy in the sky, who holds the strings and fates us to die is not a realistic view, nor is sitting at his side, To say there is nothing after this life is only true for our human body, when it is dead it is dead. Existence beyond our bodies is about the energy we created while we were alive, the memories, and the things we did and who we were. Creates the energy of the spirit that becomes one with the energy of everything (God).
Buddhist
The Buddhist philosophy is based on the fact that all human life is suffering and death is part of that suffering, stating that people will leave us. Understanding that there is a cause for suffering and relief from that cause by following a certain path that will relieve all suffering. The belief that all our human thoughts and actions create karma that can carry into our next life through reincarnation and that how we return is based on the karma from our previous lives. Believing we can, with proper thought and action, be reborn into a pure land before and after death. The belief that we should have a time for grieving for people who die and for remembering those who came before us. There is much to be said for the creation of good karma on this life and after we die, the way we are remembered and our effect on the collective energy that is everything. Stating that the pure land “Heaven” can be attained before as well as after death is uplifting. Our reincarnation into our next life, based on the karma we have created, makes sense that new spiritual beings in a new human form is energy taken from the collective energy and is affected by the collective conscience or karma of not just us but others both alive and deceased. Grieving is natural and respect should be given for those who are part of the Ultimate Energy that guides us.
Christian
The Christian faiths, though divided on many levels, seem to stay true to the fact that we all (as individual spirits) will go to Heaven (as a place beyond this Earth) to be with God and others that have entered his kingdom before us. Based on the belief that we either atone for our sins or are forgiven for them (through faith in Jesus Christ as the savior) and that God will be the final authority, reserving judgment for him as to whether we are worthy of heaven or should be damned to Hell for our human actions.
Christian beliefs are great for direction for living a good life, but in death I have to dig deep to find how it is right. Comforting people in life to cope with the fear of death or in their time of grief is good. I question things like saying “God wanted them, or they are in a better place.” and to try get people to live up to any type of moral code through fear of not getting into the promised land is just wrong. Reading between the lines I find the belief that there is something beyond life and we will live eternally comforting and that the promised land is better when we live a good life. The better place is true to the extent that we are more than our human existence and that we are no longer tied by our human condition when we die. Hinduism
Hindu’s have the belief that the spirit (atman) is permanent while in the human form but will change with death of the the body and that it is a natural event that enables the Spirit to move closer to a point when a cycle of rebirths ends. Rebirth from this impermanent state into a new form based on karma of the past and what was done in the previous life. This begins an endless cycle of rebirths or reincarnations that can only be ended by going through death many times or until the accumulated positive karma releases us from it. Not doing sinful acts or things that are harmful to others or the world, cause and effect or the cycle of suffering we bring upon ourselves. The best way to look at it is we all have a long way to go until the things we do in this live and our others ends the cycle of rebirth and we reach the ultimate goal or release from rebirth and the cycles of suffering. This Ultimate liberation of the soul it comes to rest with the supreme Brahman and cease to exist as an individual spirit.